


Ai ja Nai (It's not love)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kis-My-Ft2 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 21:39:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14222331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I don’t really love having to say this, but... we’ve got to talk, Yuta.” he murmured, and from his tone the boy could say he was truly sorry, whatever he meant to say. “Sit down, please.” he added then, but the other shook his head.“I’d rather stand, please.”





	Ai ja Nai (It's not love)

When Yuta came back home that night, it didn’t took him much to realize that there was something wrong.

Miyata sat on the couch, his arms crossed and his eyes tired.

“Hi.” he said, confused. He looked around: he wasn’t watching the TV, he wasn’t doing anything.

Tamamori had the weird feeling that the man had been waiting for him.

“Hi, Yuta.” he greeted back, serious.

The younger held his breath, getting closer to him but standing up.

“Toshiya... did something happen?” he asked, chewing down on his lip.

The other looked toward him, almost innocently.

“I don’t really love having to say this, but... we’ve got to talk, Yuta.” he murmured, and from his tone the boy could say he was truly sorry, whatever he meant to say. “Sit down, please.” he added then, but the other shook his head.

“I’d rather stand, please.” he whispered, almost as if he was afraid to speak too loud.

He didn’t have an explanation for that behaviour.

It had been a few weeks since Toshiya hadn’t been the same, but he hadn’t given it much thought.

He had blamed his attitude to the stress for the debut, to the extra work, to tiredness; he wasn’t concerned and he hadn’t asked about it.

That behaviour, though, told him that it had to be something more serious than that.

After he had refused to sit down, Miyata had held out his hand.

“Please... I’d rather you sit. I’ve got something to talk to you about and I don’t want you to stand.” he insisted, and Yuta thought about his options.

He didn’t know why he didn’t feel like sitting next to him; but standing, right now, was diminishing his discomfort, it made him feel safer, as if he would’ve had a better chance at running away, hadn’t he liked what Miyata was going to tell him.

Well, he wasn’t going to like it. With that look on Miyata’s face, with the voice he had used, it was pretty obvious.

But he had no good reason to refuse, none he could say out loud; so he sat down next to the elder, on the edge of the couch, tense and with his hands in his lap, twisting them.

“What did you want to talk about?” he asked, cautious.

Miyata stared at him for a moment that seemed eternal, then nodded briefly, as to gather up his courage.

“It’s been some time now, I’ve started thinking about our relationship, Yuta.” he began, speaking slowly and with his voice controlled, as to make sure Tamamori wasn’t going to misunderstand.

Yuta felt his heart beating faster, but the only thing he could do was nod, asking him to go on.

“I’ve thought about when we first met. When we’ve started dating. And... and then I thought about what we are now.” he sighed, and looked tormented. “We’re not the same anymore, are we?”

The younger couldn’t tell if it was rhetorical or not but, to be fair, he answered.

“People change, Toshiya. I was thirteen and you fifteen when we met, we were teen agers. It’s perfectly normal that...” he was about to continue, but the other didn’t let him.

“I’m not talking about that, Yuta” he interrupted him, and Tamamori was starting to like even less the way he said his name, the cold voice and the complete lack of pet names or suffixes; it sounded bad to his ears, which had heard him call him like that very few times.

“Then what are you talking about?” he asked, feeble.

The elder sighed, averting his eyes from him.

“I’m talking about the way you’ve changed _toward me_. I’m talking about the way we’ve drifted apart. I’m talking about what you’ve become.” he looked at him again, serious. “People may also grow, but they don’t change _this_ much.” he reproached, and Tamamori felt suddenly under accusation. “And then” the elder went on “I’m talking about how you’ve started cheating on me.” he said, his voice barely audible.

The younger felt like earth had just opened beneath his feet.

He didn’t deny it, it would’ve made no sense.

He was embittered, other than incredibly surprised.

Miyata had never shown he knew anything about it. And Tamamori had just come to the conclusion he ignored the whole thing about the affairs.

Sporadic, but he couldn’t deny it had happened.

“Toshiya, I...” he started to say but, again, the other didn’t give him time to.

“I don’t want to hear your excuses, Yuta. Really. I’ve tried pretending nothing had happened the first time, so the second and so the third. But what’s the point going on like this, uh? Why should I stay with you and being constantly betrayed? I’m tired of this, I... I can’t take it anymore, Yuta, it’s too much.” he said, his eyes fixed on the floor.

Tamamori was slowly elaborating what the elder was saying, even though he didn’t want to believe it.

He kept looking at him for a few seconds, then he ran toward the bedroom, following his instinct.

There was a suitcase on the floor.

None of Miyata’s belongings were around.

Tamamori felt a sharp pain in his chest.

He went back to the living room, finding him like he had left him.

“Toshiya, please. It’s so sudden, give me a chance to try, I’m begging you. It won’t happen again, it’s been all a momentary weakness, but it means nothing to me.” he said, getting closer and fisting his shirt, pulling on it.

The other looked at him, his eyes bitter.

Abruptly, he pulled away.

“I’ve given you one too many chances. Each time I told myself it was going to be the last, that after all it could happen to everyone to have a moment of doubt, to make a mistake. But there’s a fine line between me being understanding and me being pathetic.” he paused, sighing. “Because if I were to stay, I would truly be pathetic. I’ve seriously tried to close my eyes on all of it, and I’ve done it because I love you. I can’t anymore.” he whispered.

“Toshiya, don’t do this. Please, don’t do this.” Tamamori begged, dangerously close to tears.

Miyata pushed him away, making room to stand and going close to the door, as to show that it was useless.

“I already did. Goodbye, Yuta.” he said, determined, yet unable to hide the melancholy in his voice.

Tamamori got closer again, grabbing his arm and holding it tight.

“You can’t leave me, Toshiya. I need you, _please_.” he said, swallowing all his pride down.

Miyata frowned, and didn’t pull away from his hold.

“You needed me when we were younger, Yuta, because you’re not so good at being alone. Because...” he swallowed, biting down on his lip. “It’s because of your certainty that you needed me that we’ve been together, not because you love me.” he said, finally getting rid of his hand on him.

Tamamori wished he could’ve replied.

He wanted to scream, yell that it wasn’t true, that the need he felt was secondary, that he loved him just as much as he was loved by him.

But, simply, he couldn’t.

They kept staring at each other, and it was like Miyata was waiting to hear he was wrong, as if he was hoping that.

After a little more than a minute he sighed, going toward the entrance.

“I’m sorry it has to end like this, Yuta. I...” he whispered, and even if he couldn’t see him, the younger was sure he had given in to tears. “I love you, even though I’m not willing to stay with you, not like this.” he finished, sighing again, and like that he left.

As soon as he heard the door closing, Tamamori fell on his knees.

His eyes were wide open, his eyes off.

Miyata’s words kept coming back at him, and he did nothing to try and stop them.

He had always been with him.

They had grown together, and he had always been alright with Toshiya.

Happy, protected. Loved.

So much that he had taken it for granted.

So much that he had never stopped to think about how he felt about him.

And now that he was gone, now that he had said Tamamori had never truly loved him, he didn’t know what to think.

He had cheated on him, and had no excuses for that.

He took his face in his hands, forcing his nails on his skin, scratching, hoping to calm down.

Then he burst into tears, that burnt on the fresh scratches.

He didn’t know whether he loved Toshiya or not.

He just knew that he was a part of him, and that without him he felt empty.

He cried, because without him it was all he could do.

He felt like he was nothing.

Because in that circumstance, all he could do was be mad at himself for not having been able to fight, for not having learnt to love Miyata like he should’ve done, for having been so shallow and... almost cruel with him, without even realizing it.

Whether he liked it or not, all that pain was well deserved.

 


End file.
